Cooking is sexy

5 Dishes Guaranteed to Get You Laid

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A meal for two at an elegant steakhouse is great until you realize you’re responsible for a $250 check. This is the part of the night where you realize you could have picked up two grocery store Ribeyes and a box of Franzia for $20 and been just as satisfied. 

Cooking a meal for your significant other can oftentimes be overlooked, but by putting in a little extra work you can save hundreds of dollar while still successfully seducing your man or lady.

5 Dishes Guaranteed to Get You Laid

Before I begin, it’s important to be aware of the BAAG foods. Basil, asparagus, arugula, and garlic are all natural aphrodisiacs. By incorporating any of these four foods into your dish, you’re one step closer to Pound Town.

Quick Tip: Start all meals with a salad. When your S.O. asks what you’re doing, respond with “just tossing the salad” (make sure to wink). It plants the seed. Double points if you make it an arugula salad.

1. Lasagna

Lasagna is a classic dish. When you think of lasagna, you think of your childhood. While taking your first bite, there’s a large chance you’ll get hit with some nostalgia. When you’re nostalgic you think of babies. When you think of babies you think of mating. When you think of mating… you mate. Easy as that.

2. Eggplant Parmesan

It’s 2018 so obviously I had to include a vegetarian dish for the Herbivores reading along. Although this dish can take some extra work, your S.O. will think about how you had to thinly slice the eggplant during meal preparation. They’ll be impressed with your strong, yet precise hands, that your non stick frying pan will be the only thing that isn’t sticky at the end of the night. Not to mention eggplants have recently become hyper-sexualized due to the creation of emojis.

3. Roasted Chicken

Since roasting an entire chicken is a friggin’ chore, you can fake this one. Go buy a rotisserie chicken from Albertson’s for $7.99 and put it in your oven. Squirt some lemon juice over the top to freshen her up a bit. Finish the dish by placing some potatoes and carrots around the base of the chicken to make it look more luxurious. It’s annoying, but you have to give your S.O. both chicken legs if you want this dish to do do its thang.

*Make sure to have some Hawaiian Sweet Rolls on the side too.

4. Chicken Pot Pie

With cuffing season around the corner, mammals around the nation are searching for a partner who can whip up a mean casserole. Although casseroles are easy to make, they take awhile to cook. While the casserole is in the oven, you’ll want to play some of Van Morrison’s smoothest tunes. Make sure to be wearing a watch so when it’s time to take he Pot Pie out of the oven, you can look at your watch and say “Ah. It’s time.” People do this all the time in movies and it makes them seem domestic AF.

5. Oysters

Everyone knows oysters make you want to get it on; it’s common knowledge. The only issue here is oysters are disgusting and not everyone wants to slurp down cold snot. If both of you like oysters, then by all means slurp the night away.

If all else fails, play this song.

And always remember:

Looking like you know what you’re doing in the kitchen is a natural aphrodisiac, so it’s important to look the part. Cooking with the same hand-me-down kitchenware you were given in college will make you look like an inexperienced twerp. If you really want to get it on in the kitchen, get yourself some decent kitchenware. Having a sexy, stainless steel frying pan for your omelette to slide off of will make you look like Bobby Flay.

In case you were wondering, 76% of women over the age of 22 think Bobby Flay is a total DILF.


Jayme Hoberg

I fell out of a womb back in the 90's, and haven't looked back since. While feeding the neighborhood raccoons lasagna every Tuesday, I write deep poems about them. I sell these poems to PETA each week for a large profit. That is how I make my living.

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