Healing Crystals

5 Healing Crystals You Need for Football Season

blog, Humor, Sports

If you want your team to make playoffs this year, it’s time to start taking your rituals seriously. While healing crystals not only absorb, attract and repel certain energies, they have the ability to help your team make playoffs. Crystals can be used before, during and after games to make sure surrounding energy is nothing but positive. Wear them, put them on different parts of your body, meditate with them, place them around your room, sleep near them, shove them wherever you want. The possibilities are endless!

5 Healing Crystals You Need for Football Season (or any sport):

Azurite: Calm Before the Storm

Azurite aids in the quest for wisdom while bringing you clarity, dignity, and calmness. Touch this crystal to your body prior to the start of the big game. Make sure to have a moment with yourself. This stone will make you feel like Lil Bow Wow the first time he laced up MJ’s old basketball shoes and said “Make me like Mike.”

Wow, I just got goosebumps writing that. What a truly powerful moment in cinema!

Amethyst: Moment of Crisis

Amethyst is known for being uplifting. This crystal gives you the ability to call on higher powers in times of stress. Amethyst is typically used during the last 10 minutes of any close game. You’ll know you need this crystal when you stress drink an entire tall boy during one commercial break.

Almandine Garnet: Energizing

Almandine Garnet is a dark red/black stone known for boosting energy levels and motivation. If you’re lucky enough to be at the actual game, you should be trying to make it on the jumbotron. No team needs fans that are just sitting there pecking at popcorn kernels. Throw this crystal down your pants and bring the energy your team needs to win.

Rose Quartz: Rub Wisely

Rose Quartz is known for being the “love crystal.” This crystal has the power to take you from innocently sharing a bag of Tostitos with Linda from next door, to being fully immersed in parenthood nine months later. Rub this one wisely.

Clear Quartz: Heal My Organs, Please

Clear Quartz is known for its healing properties. This includes healing your inflamed organs after consuming a large Meat Lover’s pizza and a 12 pack of social lubricant. Before going to sleep on Sunday night, Scotch tape some Quartz to your forehead, stomach, and where you think your liver is located. There is a 68% chance this will cure your indigestion and hangover.

If you’re still hungover on Monday morning, click here.

Jayme Hoberg

I fell out of a womb back in the 90's, and haven't looked back since. While feeding the neighborhood raccoons lasagna every Tuesday, I write deep poems about them. I sell these poems to PETA each week for a large profit. That is how I make my living.

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