Apple Picking

5 Ways to Ensure Apple Picking Isn’t As Boring As Last Year

blog, Holidays, Humor

Apple picking can turn from a pleasant outing to your worst nightmare in ten seconds. Imagine this: you’re putting an apple cider donut inside your mouth while holding your significant other’s hand. You think to yourself, “Ah what a beautiful crisp Autumn day it is!”

Suddenly, you turn the corner and there’s a man proposing to his girlfriend. Oh God, now there’s engagement photos happening over in that field. Your mind begins to wander, “These children won’t get out of my way. This donut isn’t even good anymore. Why are there worms stuck to my foot? I don’t even like apples that much.”

What began as a nice day at the orchard ends with Becky getting pissed off because you still haven’t proposed. Oh, and now you have a surplus of apples you don’t want.

5 Ways to Ensure Apple Picking Is Actually Fun

1. Play Games

If you don’t play games while you pick apples you’ll die of boredom. Please note the following suggested games could lead to injury and/or health problems.

Game 1: Apple Roulette

It’s simple: blindfold yourself and pick an apple off the ground. Fearlessly bite into said apple. If you get an insect in your mouth, you must swallow the entire insect to win.

Game 2: Dodge The Apple

Just throw apples at each other because it’s funny and it hurts (especially when it’s snowing because they’re basically rocks at that point).

2. Don’t Drink Apple Cider

Bring alcohol. Getting low-key hammered during any activity is automatically more fun (WebMD, 2018). Keep in mind you might end up picking way too many apples, thus spending way too much money on fruit you don’t need. You’ll then have to bring your excess fruit to the office and offer it to your mouth breathing coworkers.

3. Embrace Your Inner Gatherer

After you pick the first apple, your mammalian instincts will begin to flourish. Suddenly, you have five hungry children at home. Your husband has been gone for months chasing buffalo–trying to bring home the meat. This orchard is your last chance to feed your family before the frost comes. You. Need. These. Apples.

If you have this mentality, you’ll get weirdly obsessed with picking as many apples as you can. Then again, this results in purchasing way too many subpar apples you don’t actually need (which seems to be a common theme).

4. Don’t Go While It’s Snowing

This was obviously an idiotic move on my part. I was under the impression apple picking in the snow would be delightful. You know, feeling Mother Earth’s gentle vibrations while gathering a bountiful harvest.

I wasn’t wearing gloves, the apples were cold, the trees were cold, my body was wet, the basket was wet, everything was wet. Oh, and “Dodge The Apple” hurt really bad.

5. Prepare Your Eyes

The amount of millennial girls you will see posing with apples while climbing ladders is unsettling. Prepare yourself by searching #applepicking on Instagram. Scroll through the feed for at least two minutes. You are now prepared. Good luck.


While apple picking isn’t terrible, I would categorize it as a “one and done” activity. Next time I need apples I’ll probably just drive down the street to King Soopers.

Jayme Hoberg

I fell out of a womb back in the 90's, and haven't looked back since. While feeding the neighborhood raccoons lasagna every Tuesday, I write deep poems about them. I sell these poems to PETA each week for a large profit. That is how I make my living.

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