A message from Dylan, our intern.My Summer is Over. Scratch that, I, Dylan the intern, had no summer. While others were swigging Sprites and slipping on slides, I was busy concocting the finest swindling system any college student or alumnus has ever seen.
Based on a complex algorithm of memes and impersonal experience, I’m proud to introduce the D.Y.L.A.N.S.ystem, an inaccurate guide to reaping 80% of the rewards with 20% of the work. (Not to be confused with the 80/20 rule)
(D)eceive and Achieve
The first step to climbing the corporate ladder is unbuckling your belt and dropping trou, early and often. Skype interviews are no exception. How do you think I got this internship in the first place?
(Y)ou Make The Rules
Only freshman and Ford Excursions should have trouble parking on campus.
So, don’t fight the system, go after the system’s soft, pink underbelly – police academy dropouts and privatized faux parking laws.
50 Yard Line Tickets – $750
On-The-Field VIP Access – $2,000
Kinkos Laminating Service – $6
A quick wave of the badge is all you need to go from sitting nose bleed to tossing the coin. It doesn’t matter if your sorry attempt at a mustache looks like Frida Kahlo’s unibrow, security is only there for field-side seating and free weiners.
The Dali Lama once said, “he who exploits the common ground between him and his enemy will own him for life.”
Really, there isn’t much negotiating involved when you introduce the common denominator. Wearing the same jacket as the dean establishes that you two are standing on the same pedestal.
Sure, some of you are going to call me out for not following my own system, since this was supposed to be “Sign The Autograph,” but that’s the Dylan system for ya. Sometimes you call an audible, cash out your entire life savings, all $150.37, and bathe in it like the waters of Lake Minnetonka. And with that, I bid you and my summer internship at Shinesty a farewell.
New NCAA Blazers:
(a product that pertains to 7 out of 2364 colleges in the U.S.)
*If you don’t see your team, send firstname.lastname@example.org (pronounced ‘Brian’) an email with 5 reasons why we should carry your school.