Get Out of Going to Work: A Foolproof Guide to Lying


If going into work on January 2nd makes you feel like this: 

…then it’s time to start thinking of excuses to get one more day off work.

When I was a kid I lied about everything and once people believed me, I’d say “just kidding.” It was hysterical until I got in a boatload of trouble and no one believed anything I said anymore. Anyways, I was really good at lying, so I’ve gathered some of the best tricks of the trade for all the degenerates out there who need an extra day off work [because two day hangovers are a thing and New Years Eve always makes for the worst hangover].

Disclaimer: I’m actually a pretty honest person and I usually have a decent moral compass (just needed to throw that in there).

First and foremost, we must go over the basics:

  1. Stick to the same story: ALWAYS stick to your original story, no matter how unbelievable it is.
  2. Keep it brief: If you add too much detail to your story, it’ll make it harder to stick to your original story. Keep it somewhat vague if you can. 
  3. Add in at least one detail: Keep in mind if you’re too vague, no one will believe you. Adding in at least one detail will add some spice to your story!

Now that we’ve gone over the basics, it’s time to start lying to your coworkers. If you’re creative, make up your own lie/excuse as to why you can’t go into work. If you’re not creative, I’ve created the following list of excuses for you:

“My toilet overflowed and now my bathroom is flooded”

There’s just enough detail to where people can assume you defecated, overflowed the toilet, and now you’re mopping up poop water. No questions needed for this one.  

“ There’s a Pigeon stuck in my living room”

If you mention the type of bird, people usually have something to say about it–especially Pigeons. Most people hate pigeons so they’ll feel sorry for you. My mother calls Pigeons “rats in the sky.”

“I accidentally sat on a nail”

This one is vague enough to where people are afraid to ask, but detailed enough for people to create assumptions of what might of happened to you. Asking someone if a nail went up their sphincter is never ideal.

“I have a dentist appointment”

This is a believable excuse and people will feel bad for you because going to the dentist is worse than going to work. 

Side note: I haven’t been to the dentist in three years. Is that bad? How many cavities do you think I have? Do I have Gingivitis?

“My mother is in town”

Seriously no one can be mad at you for spending time with your mother. If they do, tell them “she birthed me, she fed me, she gave me life” and then quickly walk away.

“I have a colonoscopy”

This one is just centered around butt talk–something most people don’t want to get into. Note this excuse usually only pertains to people 50 and up (but also not really because my best friend has had numerous colonoscopies and she’s only 24 years the possibilities really are endless).

*This guide was not created for you to suddenly become a lazy twerp; this guide was created for you to get out of going to work on January 2nd… use it wisely.

Now, here’s what you’ll need for you time off:

Ski and snowboard shopping

Jayme Hoberg

I fell out of a womb back in the 90's, and haven't looked back since. While feeding the neighborhood raccoons lasagna every Tuesday, I write deep poems about them. I sell these poems to PETA each week for a large profit. That is how I make my living.

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