Whole Foods Article

How to Fit in at Whole Foods

blog, Humor

Whole Foods is another world. It’s where common folk (like myself) instantly feel like their internal organs have been detoxed by Dandelion extract, and their chakras have been fully aligned just by walking through the sliding doors. The Mac N’ Cheese is $6 per ounce, but you’re not just paying for organic, non-GMO noodles, you’re paying for a cow somewhere to have the life she deserves. You’re thanking her for providing the precious milk juices that will eventually turn into a $25 block of cheese.


The euphoric feeling is real–which is why Whole Foods has become a powerhouse in not only the corporate world, but has attracted millions of health-conscious consumers around the country. If you haven’t experience spending way too much money on a trendy, vegan protein bar, it’s time to experience “The Hole” for yourself.

5 Ways to Fit in at Whole Foods

1. Bring Reusable Bags

Now, I’m not sure how strict it is in other areas of the country, but in Boulder you’ll literally get stared down by the sales clerk AND everyone behind you in line if you don’t bring your own bag. It’s like getting sprayed by a racoon and then walking around a grocery store. YOU’RE A NUISANCE and everyone will stare at you with a stink face.

2. Always Donate Money at Checkout

You just spent $16 on a GD salad and now the clerk is asking if you want to donate money. You literally can’t say no. They look so deep into your eyes you think they know everything about you. They know all your distant memories from your childhood and know damn well you can spend an extra $1 at checkout. WTF is happening?!.. How do they know me? “Ok yes, I’ll donate $1.”

3. Ask Mindful Questions When Choosing Protein

While at the meat counter, don’t just order your meat. Show the butcher and everyone around you that you care. Where did this chicken come from? Did it have a good life? A best friend? Kin? What does “free-range” even mean these days?

And the fish. Where were these beautiful sea men caught? I’m in Colorado and this is a landlocked state. Were the fish happy when they were traveling here? Was their medium of transportation more Mayflower-esque or Titanic-esque (assuming they are 1st class fish)?

4. Be an Athlete at the Salad Bar

If you don’t think everyone at the salad bar hasn’t created their own Whole Foods salad at least 50 times in their life, you’ve got another thing coming for you. You should know your preferred ratio of cherry tomatoes to shredded carrots before even stepping into line. Lastly, make sure you read the labels for protein. One time I got like five ounces of vegan chicken and I’ve never felt so defeated in my life. What even is vegan chicken?

5. Pretend Their Baked Goods Are Healthy

The bakery at this place is honestly amazing. I could chug their cupcakes like my life depended on it. There’s absolutely no way anything from their bakery is actually healthy, but if you pretend like it is you’ll fit right in. Start by asking an employee about the ingredients:

You: “Hi there, what is in this chocolate chip cookie?”

Celeste from Bakery: “Thank you for asking! This cookie was created with Organic Whole Wheat flour, Grass-Fed butter, coarse Organic Pink Himalayan Salt, Organic Vanilla Bean Extract, Cane Sugar imported from Molokai, and 69% Cacao nibblets.”

You: “Thank you so much for letting me know. I love those ingredients. Namaste!”

Celeste from Bakery: “Namaste!”


Jayme Hoberg

I fell out of a womb back in the 90's, and haven't looked back since. While feeding the neighborhood raccoons lasagna every Tuesday, I write deep poems about them. I sell these poems to PETA each week for a large profit. That is how I make my living.

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