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How To Land A Front Cover Spread Without A Liberal Arts Degree

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We. Fuggin’. Did it.

For years, we’ve worked to land a spot amongst America’s most influential figures, clawing and scratching to gain their same notoriety.

After a 30 minute brainstorm, 3 pots of coffee and a ¾ bottle of Bailey’s, we landed ourselves a spot on the most influential publications of our time. While we’d love to be greedy and keep the secret to our success to ourselves, we knew we had to open the A-list up to the D-listers of the world.

So here’s how to get your pretty little mug on the cover of America’s greatest magazines with no effort.

Papel

Honestly you might think you need to binge Keeping Up With The Kardashians to land a spot on the cover of Paper Magazine, but apparently all you need is a dude with a mullet and a solo cup.

Also we fucc with Scott Dissik heavily. Scott, if you ever want to party DM @gentle_man_chops.

Bowling Stones:

You don’t have to have a psychotic breakdown and shave your head to end up on the front cover of the prestigious Rolling Stone Magazine. To replicate Britney’s infamous cover photo, we used our blonde content creator, a fake phone, and some heavy photoshop to turn her from a 6 to an 8 (jk Hannah, you’re a 6.5).

And I know what you’re thinking… where’s the teletubby doll? Turns out, those cost a pretty penny, so we opted for a hot dog thingy instead. Oh, and speaking of costs, the OG Britney mag is selling for $500. We’ve had bids on ours for over $1000. Not to brag or anything.

Vanity Hair:

You don’t need to reinvent yourself to score the cover page of Vanity Fair. Our logistics expert, Connor, has been questioning his identity for a while now, so we put him behind the lens in a wig that could make Axl Rose blush.

Turns out, Connor’s blonde beard and curly, jet-black hair create one sexually liberating cover photo. I mean, wow, that look could turn any straight male from 6 to midnight faster than a red eye flight during daylight savings time.

Sittin on Air:

Let’s first give Michael Jackson a good ol’ tip of the hat for creating a dance move that literally looks like you’re sitting on an invisible toilet. Naturally, we turned to Cassie on the marketing team, who spends at least half her day on the ol’ porcelain thrown. As Cassie likes to remind us, “The best way to drop the kids off at the pool is from the high dive”.

Surprisingly, there’s no photography magic here. Cassie has absurdly strong toes.

Neat-O Geographic:

Jayme is a sickopath and actually drank a lil’ creek water while getting this shot. She agrees that the Giardia was completely worth it. Plus, she lost 5 pounds and won Shinesty’s monthly fitness challenge. Great job, Jayme!

Rolling Stoners:

Getting on the front cover of Rolling Stone is a lot easier when you already look exactly like a previous front cover feature. Drew does look strangely like John Lennon.

John Lennon (Left), Drew (Right and Left)

Oddly, Drew (right, we don’t know what he does here) volunteered to do this shot. It was uncomfortable for everyone, except warehouse manager Travis (left). He’s been craving the sensual touch of Drew’s embrace for years.

Well There You Have it

Turns out, landing a front cover is extremely easy. You either spend your entire career pursuing the arts or hire a professional photographer, graphic designer, marketing team and spend thousands on professional studio equipment. Easy right?

Oh Yeah, We Sell Those Overalls

Shinesty Overalls

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Jayme Hoberg

I fell out of a womb back in the 90's, and haven't looked back since. While feeding the neighborhood raccoons lasagna every Tuesday, I write deep poems about them. I sell these poems to PETA each week for a large profit. That is how I make my living.

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