How to Lose a Guy in Seven Minutes

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First dates are exciting until you realize Julian from Cincinnati is wearing a Tapout shirt, a silver chain, and owns a velcro wallet. You sit down and begin to wonder how the hell you’re going to get out of this one.

We’ve all been there: you sit through a first date, only ordering one drink in an attempt to indirectly tell your date you want to leave as soon as possible. Sometimes men don’t get it. So instead of continuing to be your pretty little self, it’s time to learn how to instantly turn yourself into a disgusting troll.

How to Lose a Guy in Seven Minutes [or less]:

1.Text him weird things

This is where your creativity kicks in. When he sends you “sup?” it’s time to get as weird as possible. Text him the weirdest, most random thing that pops into your brain. If the conversation continues, ramp up the creativity. He’ll eventually leave you on read.

2. Invite him to meet your parents

If you’re not feeling creative, invite him to meet your parents. There’s no way after a first date a guy will want to meet your parents that soon. If he’s into it…block his number.

3. Text him “I love you”

If you’re one week into talking to a guy you can’t quite shake, this should do the trick. If he responds with “I love you too,” throw your phone out the window, dye your hair, and run for the friggin’ hills.

In the case you’re stuck having a meal with this twerp, the following three methods have a s success rate of 84%. If your Julian is part of the 16%, repeat method #1.

4. Tell him about your gastrointestinal issues

First dates typically involve food, so upon ordering, talk about how your bowels don’t perform well with dairy. When Julian asks what you’re going to order, throw out the following: “Well I want the Fettuccini Alfredo, but dairy really hits me like a brick”, or “the Mac n’ Cheese looks good, but trust me, you don’t want me to consume heavy cream..ha..ha.” This might not get rid of him fully, but it’ll jumpstart the process.

5. Pass gas in front of him

Slam your beer, let out a low burp, then blow the tainted air to the side (it’s courtesy). You don’t want to be too verbal with this burp because you’re at a restaurants and you know better (thanks Mom & Dad).  He won’t want to hang out with you afterwards if he knows there’s gas building up inside your body. While farting is also an option, it’s sometimes hard to ensure each one will be audible enough for him to know it was you.

Side note: At one point my high school boyfriend asked me to stop burping in front of him; he said “it wasn’t attractive.” We were broken up within a week because I finally knew how to get rid of him. At the young age of 17 I fully understood the power of the burp. 

6. Fug it, just leave

If this guy seriously sucks, just leave. Put $20 on the table and say “Ooof. I think there was some heavy cream in my dish. I’ll catch ya later buddy.” DO NOT hug him. Upon leaving, say “put it there”, and high five the lad. 

Please keep in mind this is a very loose guide. Anything not considered “lady-like” will usually get the Julians of the world to scram. I encourage all the ladies to get as creative as possible. I’ve personally found the most success with burping and talking about my IBS, but everyone has their own special talents.

Lastly, if you you have a noteworthy move you pull, please share below. 

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Shine On & Be Weird

Jayme Hoberg

I fell out of a womb back in the 90's, and haven't looked back since. While feeding the neighborhood raccoons lasagna every Tuesday, I write deep poems about them. I sell these poems to PETA each week for a large profit. That is how I make my living.


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