Each year, one lucky person is responsible for preparing the main attraction. Taking on the responsibility of cooking the turkey can be a blessing or a curse. It’s time someone took the initiative and viewed this activity from an objective standpoint.
Pros & Cons: Stuffing the Turkey
Pro #1: You’re responsible for the turkey
If you’re responsible for cooking the bird, then you’ve proven yourself to not be completely worthless in life. This means your Thanksgiving crew trusts you with the main attraction–everything from purchasing the bird to consuming the bird. Congratulations.
Con #1: You’re responsible for the turkey
With responsibility comes accountability. You can either be a Thanksgiving hero or a Thanksgiving fool. If you aren’t the perfect chef, you’ll either have your mother commenting on how dry the meat is, or you’ll have everyone spewing their brains out before it’s time for pie.
If everyone yaks from your turkey, then no one will ask you to cook again. Also, if everyone is too sick to eat pie, there will be a lot of leftovers you can take home. So that’s actually 2 Pros inside of 1 Con.
Pro#2: You can play pranks
Since you’re responsible for taking the giblets out of the turkey, you’re also responsible for where you put them. SAVE the guts in tupperware and hide them in the fridge (sorry, weird Aunt Robin, no giblet stuffing for you this year). The next day when everyone’s trying to cleanse their bodies from the overconsumption of fat, salt, and sugar, people will want smoothies. Put the giblets in a smoothie and watch people slurp up raw organs–it’s funny. Except if they get sick, then you’re responsible. Cross your fingers for no hospital visits.
If you’re appalled that I even came up with this, remember people drink placenta smoothies all the time.
Con #2: You have to remove the giblets
This part is similar to the sacrificial rituals of the ancient Mayans, except instead of pulling the heart out of a human’s chest, you’re pulling the heart out of a turkey’s anus. You literally have to wrap your hands around cold, slimy organs and pull them out of the hole.
Pro#3: You get first dibs
Since you cooked the damn bird, you get to eat as much as you want. You also get first dibs on the turkey legs which is the best part. If anyone questions your authority, tell them “my bird, my rules” *Borat voice*.
Con #3: You are literally shoving moist bread inside a dead bird’s body cavity
At the end of the day, you need to remind yourself you are forearm deep inside a dead bird’s body. If you considered this a Pro, then you should not be allowed to stuff the turkey…or be allowed in public places.
Con #4: Opportunity Cost
You can’t watch football. Annnnnd this is the straw that broke the camel’s back.
With three pros and four cons, my conclusion is this: If my family ever has the audacity to ask me to prepare the turkey, I will make them read this article. Once they’ve read Pro #3, they’ll never ask me for help with the turkey again. I’ll stick to purchasing a few bags of Hawaiian Sweet rolls in the meantime.
Shine On & Give Thanks