How to Nut Like a Champ on National Nut Day

blog, Holidays, Humor

NUT  verb


Definition: The art of consuming a variety of nuts in different places.

(i.e.) The man felt the need to nut in the break room after a stressful meeting.

As National Nut Day only comes around once a year, it is a day to be celebrated by the masses. Nuts not only offer numerous health benefits, but they’re an easy snack you can whip out whenever you’re feeling “not yourself.” The edible stones have anti-inflammatory properties, are high in fiber,  and can instantly send you into a euphoric state upon consumption.

Only on National Nut Day does the noun “nut” transform into the verb “to nut.” While the art of nutting can be a sensitive topic to some, it is an essential activity to take part in come October 22nd.

Nut in the shower

Everyone does it because it’s less of a clean up. If you’re pounding some salted peanuts in the shower, you’re saving time on snacking later and having to wash your salty hands. Think of nutting in the shower the same way you think of a shower beer–it’s all about efficiency.

Best Nut for this activity: Salted Peanuts (or any salted nut)

Nut at the Coffee Shop

When Suzanne makes every modification she can to her skinny latte, you need to make sure your body is fueled. What a great time to release any pent up frustration and get a quick nut in. No one will judge you in line, they’ll just be jealous you didn’t have to pay for $7 artisanal roasted almonds.

Best Nut for this activity: Non-artisanal Almonds

Nut in Your Car

It’s Monday morning and you’re stuck in traffic again. Time to nut. Heck, go all out–you’re in your own car for God’s sake!

Best Nut for this activity: Brazil Nuts (these nuts are large, so if you drop any on the floor they’re easy to retrieve)

Nut During a Conference Call

No one can see your body, so stick it to the man. While Marty, VP of Sales, rambles about your numbers last quarter, go for a quick nut. He won’t know, and you don’t care!

Best Nut for this activity: Cashews. Salted Cashews are a treat and a half, especially when Marty won’t stop blabbin’ about his golf game last Sunday.

Nut at Your Desk

Your desk is your safe space. When 3:00pm rolls around, a quick nut sesh has the ability to improve brain functionality and performance. Put on your noise-cancelling headphones and get to work.

Best Nut for this activity: Pistachios. You have to de-shell them and they’re kind of messy, but they provide for an extra activity while you work.

Nut at the Gym

Nutting while you spot your buddy, Hector, sounds pretty great, doesn’t it? Keeping your body fueled up is needed for maximum performance, regardless if it fits in with your macros.

Best Nut for this activity: Raw, unsalted Almonds (because “health”)

Nut While you Grill

It’s the end of the day, it’s a soft 70 degrees out, and your backyard is a fuggin’ paradise. Get yourself a crispy boy, slap your red meat on the grill, and nut like crazy. An assorted nut blend is perfect for when you’re waiting for your meat to finish, and pairs nicely with a cold beer.

Best Nut for this activity: Assorted blend (typically includes cashews, almonds, peanuts)

Shine On & Go Nut

Nut Day Not Your Holiday?

Jayme Hoberg

I fell out of a womb back in the 90's, and haven't looked back since. While feeding the neighborhood raccoons lasagna every Tuesday, I write deep poems about them. I sell these poems to PETA each week for a large profit. That is how I make my living.

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