Each October, ladies from around the nation come together to post the following gif:
The Mean Girls gif isn’t just a funny coincidence anymore–it’s a warning to humanity. October 3rd is the beginning of #pumpkinpatch season. It’s where Millennial ladies flock the local pumpkin patch in brand new fall getups in order to take photos of each other with a squash next to their flesh.
The following research not only provides step-by-step instructions for each #pumpkinpatch pose, but also lists any potential concerns or hazards. Please keep in mind my personal concerns are not meant to deter anyone from attempting a pose, rather they are to act as a precautionary measure.
Top Pumpkin Patch Poses for 2018
The Pose: Pretend to Kiss a Pumpkin
How To: Pick up a pumpkin and pretend to kiss it.
Jayme’s Concern: The pumpkin you’re holding has been rolling around on dirt for a couple of months and putting your mouth hole next to a dirt infested vegetable is not ideal for flu season.
The Pose: Read Next to Pumpkins
How To: Sit on the ground and rest your back against a pumpkin while you “read” a book.
Jayme’s Concern: There is no way a 10 pound pumpkin is structurally sound enough to allow this girl to comfortably rest her entire torso on it. That is a round object that is trying to roll away. Also who goes to a public pumpkin patch to read? These places are infested with children.
The Pose: Sit in a Wheelbarrow with Pumpkins
How To: Put a bunch of tiny pumpkins in a wheelbarrow, sit on them (careful where you sit), and put a small dog next to your crotch.
Jayme’s Concern: There’s a 60% chance there’s a family standing behind the camera waiting for her to take the photo so they can finally start hauling around all of their childrens’ pumpkins. Also, is the dog okay?
The Pose: Look Down at Pumpkin Stems
How To: Pretend like you don’t know someone is taking a photo of you and look at pumpkin stems.
Jayme’s Concern: While this is a pretty safe pose, I am concerned for her feet and ankles. Those boots do not seem like they would be supportive on an uneven ground such as this. Also, a white shirt at a pumpkin patch? Take it out for dry cleaning why dontcha!
The Pose: Lay On the Ground Next to Pumpkins
How To: The photographer knew what they were doing. Notice her polka-dotted shirt. Those dots align with the white pumpkins on the left side of her. And her hair. Hair doesn’t just land like that, it is placed like that. You need a skilled photographer if you think you’re ever going to pull this one off.
Jayme’s Concern: She will have a lot of hay stuck in her hair after this. Have you ever picked hay out of your hair before? It takes forever, which means you’ll probably be limited to this one pose the entire time you’re at The Patch.
Pose: Spread Eagle Next to Pumpkins
How To: If you don’t know how to spread eagle, you don’t know modeling.
Jayme’s Concern: There’s a 150% chance a small child witnessed this photo being taken. Also, while the spread eagle is a classic, I feel as though it’s only appropriate if a bag of Doritos is covering your crotch [not a Gucci bag].
Pose: PSL > Pumpkins
How To: Prior to arriving at the Pumpkin Patch, you will need to purchase a Grande Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte for $5.28. Hold up your latte, as this costs more money than one of those dumb pumpkins in the background.
Jayme’s Concern: Needs more pumpkins.
Photo: Sit on a Big Pumpkin
How To: Wear a pumpkin colored dress, sit on a very big pumpkin and then find a small pumpkin to hold.
Jayme’s Concern: YOU ARE WEARING A VERY SMALL DRESS AND THERE IS DEFINITELY A STEM ON TOP OF THAT PUMPKIN AND I CAN’T HELP BUT THINK THIS WOULD BE A VERY UNCOMFORTABLE PLACE TO SIT. May the Lord be with you.
As you can see, most of these poses (except the spread eagle) are lame. If you really want to get the people goin’ this October, think outside the box. Maybe pretend like you’re a scarecrow and put hay inside of your mouth while you hold a pumpkin. Or, I don’t know, wear a kangaroo suit to the pumpkin patch and pet a goat with a bunch of children. Forget the pumpkins.
Stay Weird & Eat Pumpkins