Football Hangover

5 Ways to Hide Your Football Hangover This Monday

blog, Drankin', Humor, Sports

You wake up Monday morning with a hangover only 14 Bud Lattes and a half a tub of a five layer bean dip can be responsible for. With football season underway, Sunday can be both a blessing and a curse. Your team won last night, but now Monday morning is as aggressive as listening to Stephen A. Smith and Max Kellerman argue at 7am.

Five ways to hide your hangover this Monday:

1. Dress Up

This one is dependent on what you usually wear to work. If your workplace is more casual, then this is a go-to. Put on a Bugatchi button up and some nice shoes and no one will pay any attention to your pale, dehydrated face.

One time our customer service guy, Bill, actually wore a collared shirt to the office and everyone was in awe. Was he hungover? Who the hell knows, no one looked him in the eyes because they were too busy looking at his suede shoes.

*If this method gives you a promotion, please send me 5% of your earnings through Venmo. If this method gives you more work than you wanted, woof.

2. Make an Entrance

If you try hiding from coworkers, they’ll know something is up. By MAKING a scene, no one will ever know how dark you feel inside. Upon entering the office, force a soft smile, give one high five and shoot off three finger guns to various co-workers. Make sure to keep moving towards your desk and to keep talking to a minimum. If people stop you to ask how your weekend was, just point in the direction you’re walking, tap your watchless wrist, and say “ahhh meeting.”

3. If You’re a Millennial, Make an Excuse

Everyone already hates Millennials, we might as well keep the trend going.

Keep in mind the excuse “My car broke down” doesn’t work anymore.  Lyft, Uber and those weird Bird scooters screwed this one up for all of us.

My favorite excuse I’ve never been able to use/randomly just thought of: My dog ate an entire roll of yarn last night and I need to supervise.

4. Be an Athlete, Drink Water

There’s a reason you’re not on the field with all those burly men. Last night you were pounding triple the amount of fermented beverages while those players were gulping down enough water to keep their joints lubed up. You’re dehydrated. Put a hose in your mouth and go to work for God’s sake.

5. Don’t Go

Literally just don’t go to work. You deserve a three day weekend, you handsome mammal.

Jayme Hoberg

I fell out of a womb back in the 90's, and haven't looked back since. While feeding the neighborhood raccoons lasagna every Tuesday, I write deep poems about them. I sell these poems to PETA each week for a large profit. That is how I make my living.

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