America’s Top 10 Lightest Beers

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America is known for producing a mass amount of mediocre products at a low price compared to everyone but China. It’s what drives capitalism and allows Americans to do what they do best: consume. Since light beer is a commodity, I decided to do some research. With an extensive background in Zymology, as well as a considerable amount of experience consuming fermented beverages at the University of Colorado at Boulder, I give you:

America’s Top 10 Lightest Beers: The Unofficial Official Power Ranking

Please keep in mind most of these beers are trash. If you don’t agree with my unofficial official power ranking, please write down your own list and then flush it down the toilet.

While the following beers were subjectively ranked by taste, overall affordability was also considered.

10. Schlitz (aka “Sh*tz”)

Even though a lot of people seem to like this beer, I did a blind taste test of light beers a year ago and Schlitz lost. I could see this beer being best served in the morning with orange juice. You know, a beermosa? Just make sure you put enough Orange Juice to cover the terrible taste.

Best served: Never.

9. Natural Light (aka “Natty Light”)

If you are forced to drink this, make sure it’s ice cold. If it’s cold enough it will probably taste better than Keystone Light.

Best served: Reluctantly sipped or aggressively chugged.

8. PBR (aka “Tastes Like Tetanus”)

While the formal name is Pabst Blue Ribbon, no one actually calls it that. There’s no way this beer ever received a blue ribbon for anything except for tasting like Tetanus. If you don’t know what Tetanus tastes like, look at the last four letters of the word and sound it out. The only reason this beer is ranked is because PBR tall boys are cheap and you can buy them almost everywhere.

Best served: With a side of antibiotics.

7. Coors Light (aka CL Smooth)

CL Smooth is not that smooth. This beer is best served slightly warm and with a hole at the bottom of the can. Yes, I’m saying you should shotgun it so you don’t have to actually taste it.

Best served: Shotgunned.

6. Keystone Light (aka “Laxatives”)

Keystone is brewed at the Coors Brewery. It probably tastes worse than Coors Light, but it’s cheaper so you can buy more. Just like Coors Light, Keystone Light is best served as a shotgun.

Best served: Shotgunned.

5. Kirkland Signature (aka “Kirkys”)

WAWAWEEWAH. If you’re lucky enough to have a Costco card, then you’re lucky enough to enjoy Kirkland Signatures. A 48 rack runs for $21.99. That is all you need to know about the beer because that is a great deal.

Best served: In the Costco parking lot.

4. Miller Lite (aka Drink Wisconsibly)

Miller Lite is brewed in Wisconsin, which is also the birthplace of my favorite football team. I usually only pound Miller Lite when I’m watching my team’s defensive line get crushed by 90% of the teams in the league. Regardless, this beer helps me cope with our terrible defense.

Best served: During a blowout and/or close sporting event.

3. Busch Light (aka Busch Latte)

Fraternity brothers love drinking Busch Lattes together. Rumor has it there’s a special love chemical added during the brewing process. One time it made Brad and Austin put aside their differences and throw one of the best parties the house has seen yet!

Best served: Among Brothers.

2. Bud Light (aka Bud Nasty)

Anytime a bar has deals on pitches or buckets of Bud Light, no one is complaining. It’s honestly not that bad of a light beer and you can easily crush a six pack within an hour. It’s somewhat reasonably priced and their Daddy, Budweiser, always comes out with cool Super Bowl commercials.

Best served: In copious amounts.

1. Montucky Cold Snacks (aka Liquid Gold)

If you don’t know what Montucky Cold Snacks are, then you’re not living. While Cold Snacks are not only decently priced, they don’t taste like cat urine. A 12 pack is $9.99 and they give back 8% of profits to local causes.

Best served: All the friggin’ time.

If you’re wondering why Michelob Ultra isn’t on this list, it’s because it tastes like aged urine with a splash of yeast. Their most recent marketing campaign attempts to position them as “the beer you crave after you run 10 miles because it keeps you fit.” Do you know how many times I’ve been given a beer ticket after a race for a free Michelob Ultra and thrown it away? Too many times to count.

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Jayme Hoberg

I fell out of a womb back in the 90's, and haven't looked back since. While feeding the neighborhood raccoons lasagna every Tuesday, I write deep poems about them. I sell these poems to PETA each week for a large profit. That is how I make my living.

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