11 Stages of Attending a Holiday Party as Told by The Grinch

Entertainment, Holidays, Parties

While the holidays are supposed to be a joyful time spent with family and friends, they also take place during Winter.  Obviously chugging eggnog and being able to wear large sweaters while you’re intoxicated is great, but most people find themselves in a constant struggle between watching eight hours of Netflix and socializing.

Luckily The Grinch (Jim Carrey’s version obviously) has been able to remind us we’re not alone.We all get invited to way too many gatherings we don’t want to tend to, convince ourselves we’re adults and have to go, and end up with a terrible hangover from a party we never wanted to go to in the first place. While you might think the Grinch is a pessimistic scoundrel, you’ll soon realize he’s more relatable than you’d think.

11 Stages of Attending a Holiday Party as Told by The Grinch

#1 Receiving the invite and looking at the guest list.

Whether you’re getting an invite through E-vite or Facebook, we all try to stalk the guest list before attending the party. Unfortunately it’s usually pretty disappointing.

#2 Trying to come up with an excuse as to why you can’t attend.

Most of the time you can get away with a subpar excuse, but 60% of the time there’s one friend texting you to come to the party because they also dislike 70% of the guest list. That’s just math.

#3 Finally realizing you should probably just go.

You’ve been on the couch for four hours and you’re not sure if you can hold a basic conversation with another human. Mama didn’t raise no fool, though.

#4 You waste 30 minutes not knowing what to put on your body.

Chances are you’ll go through the inner struggle of not knowing whether to be classy or sassy. When that’s the case, just wear a turtleneck. Turtlenecks are both sassy and classy and they make you look sophisticated.

#5 You get to the party and head straight for the table of food.

A table of food at any party is always the safe zone. You can usually find other like-minded individuals here. If you for some reason you have an awkward conversation you can just pop a deviled egg in your mouth, cheers them, and casually walk away.

#6 You get stuck talking to Gary about his career goals

This is usually the turning point of the night. You’re sick of talking about your career goals with a bunch of mouthbreathers. Time to start throwin’ back the bad juice.

#7 WTF is in the Nog?

The Nog is flowin’ and so are you. You’re slappin’ a$$es and petting every fur vest you see.

#8 You see your reflection in the bathroom mirror.

Whenever you’re alone and drunk in a bathroom, your reflection seems to change. All of a sudden you have bags under your eyes, your retinas keep changing sizes, and your skin starts to morph into something similar to a Dalmation.

#9 You realize it’s time to go before you do anything else you’ll regret.

You’ve left the bathroom and everything looks different now. You stuff five pumpkin pie bites into your pockets and officially begin to make your exit.

#10 You finish the night with a ghosting exit (AKA the Irish Goodbye).

Ghosting is what you do when you don’t want to have to say goodbye to anybody. By the end of the night, everyone’s at least a bottle of wine deep and they won’t notice you didn’t say goodbye [most of the time].

#11 Realizing you should have just stayed in last night.

There’s nothing worse than an eggnog hangover. [R.I.P Jayme on Christmas Eve, 2015]

If you’re concerned about how accurate these 11 stages were to you, don’t be. I also never thought I related to a  green creature until now (with the exception of Old Gregg of course).

Not gonna take this advice? Then you’ll need backup….
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Jayme Hoberg

I fell out of a womb back in the 90's, and haven't looked back since. While feeding the neighborhood raccoons lasagna every Tuesday, I write deep poems about them. I sell these poems to PETA each week for a large profit. That is how I make my living.

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