5 Ways to Acquire a Free Christmas Tree


We’ve all been there: it’s a week before Christmas and you’re about to max out your credit card for the third time. You realize people are going to be at your house in T-2 days and you don’t want to purchase a dumb Christmas tree for $120 at a lot. With desperation comes creativity—it’s time to think outside the box, ladies and gents.

How to Acquire a Free Christmas Tree This Year

#1 The Forest

People cut down trees in the forest all the time. Make sure to bring your children so they can drag the tree back to the car for you. There’s a reason for popping out children and this is one of them. While searching for a tree, you need to have a lot of enthusiasm–if you excitedly say “You are big kids now, so you get to carry the tree!” the kids will be excited and put up less of a fight.

The Issue: I’m not a parent, so I don’t know if kids would actually get excited about dragging a tree through the mountains for a long period of time.

The Solution: Tell your kids they’ll get extra marshmallows in their hot chocolate when you get home.

#2 Cut Down Your Neighbor’s Tree

How To: Before beginning, you’ll need to do your due diligence. Walk around the neighborhood and look for healthy trees with good top halves on them. Once you find a nice top half, dress up like a cop and go talk to your neighbor to see when they’ll be gone (this worked in Home Alone). Once you find out when they’re gone, go saw that sucker down.

*Only take the top half because we need to be kind to our neighbors. Also if they already know you, you can’t dress up like a cop.

The Issue: If they catch you, they know where you live.

The Solution: Don’t get caught.

#3 Steal Your Friend’s Tree

How To: Go to an aggressive happy hour with your friend. Order tequila shots until your friend gets hammered (it is key to make sure you’re still sober, so just pretend to take the shots). Get an Uber for him/her and go into their house. Tuck them into bed, steal the Christmas tree on your way out. Not only are you getting a free tree, you’re getting a free, already decorated tree.

The Issue: You might feel like a bad friend.

The Solution: Remind yourself they already know you have a dark soul, so it’s probably fine.

#4 Dumpster dive

How To: I know what you’re thinking: “I won’t find a perfectly suitable Christmas tree in a dumpster before Christmas.” Well you’re right–you probably won’t, but you could find a bunch of day-old bagels thrown away by a restaurant. In which case, you’ll take your new edible treats and try to trade them for a tree at a lot.

The Issue: The tree lot employees might not be into bartering.

The Solution: Say the following “this might be my last Christmas, and I just want it to be memorable for my family. Stale bagels are all I have to offer.”

*This isn’t lying. Anyone can make the argument that this year’s Christmas might be their last because none of us know when we’re going to kick the can.

“Live everyday like it’s your last.”

#5 Eat Some Mushrooms

How To: Go to the produce section of your grocery store and purchase some *Organic* mushrooms. Once you get home (what I’d call your “safe space”), eat the mushrooms. There’s a 0.5% chance you’ll hallucinate and then see a Christmas tree in your living room for a couple of hours.  If you can dream it, you can do it!

The Issue: I don’t think grocery store mushrooms make you hallucinate.

The Solution: Buy a Christmas tree at this point.

If you’re one of those “time is money” people, then I’d suggest purchasing a tree like everyone else. The success rate of the above options averages out to only ~20%. Your credit card bill is already going to be out of control, so ya might as well keep heatin’ her up.

Christmas Apparel

Shine On & Be Clark Griswold

Jayme Hoberg

I fell out of a womb back in the 90's, and haven't looked back since. While feeding the neighborhood raccoons lasagna every Tuesday, I write deep poems about them. I sell these poems to PETA each week for a large profit. That is how I make my living.

  1. I grew up in an overgrown tree nursery. Every Christmas I would climb up a 50 foot (okay maybe 30 foot) blue spruce and top it- and drag it back home. In the snow. True story!

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