What to do with Your Dead Christmas Tree


Imagine this: You spend everyday surrounded by your beautiful friends and family. You’re happy, healthy, and can’t wait to see where life takes you. Then, suddenly a family of humans comes and chops you down with an axe. Not only do they chop you down physically, but they chop you down emotionally–right before the holidays. You fall to the ground and you’re dragged off into the distance from your family and friends. You’re thrown on top of a car and driven to a living room where you’re chained to a water pan. Tinsel and ornaments are thrown onto you like you’re some kind of clown. As each day passes, you’re slowly dying. Then, all of a sudden you’re thrown into a garbage left to die.

It’s time to give your Christmas tree more to live for after the holidays.

What to do with Your Dead Christmas Tree

Throw it in the Trash

If you feel your tree didn’t live up to your expectations this holiday, just end it’s life and throw it in the garbage. You made the tree miserable, the tree made you miserable, everyone’s having alcohol and sugar withdrawals these days; it’s time for it all to end.

Put it in a box and set it outside of Whole Foods

Get a cardboard box, write “FREE” on it, and set it outside of the superfood powerhouse. It’s likely some weirdo will adopt the tree, try to replant it, try to feed it, care for it, love on it a bit–the possibilities are endless.

When I think of someone leaving a tree outside of a Whole Foods, I think of the scene in Air Bud when the child tried to let the Golden Retriever be free even though it wasn’t what the both of them wanted. A truly powerful moment in cinema!  Okay great, I have no idea why I just brought up Air Bud.

Make Artisanal Crafts

Chop up the tree’s body and make handmade picture frames. Sell them on Etsy for $60 each. Make sure to put words like “artisanal”, “small batch”, and “handcrafted” in the descriptions to ensure people know how much of an artist you are.

You can also create pillows from the tree–instead of using feathers, you use pine needles. Make sure to use organic hemp cloth so you can sell your creations at a premium price (just make sure people know these pillows are made from organic hemp).

Confession Time:

When I was a kid I used to collect all of my dog’s hair off the carpet and kept the mound of hair in Ziplock bags. I would then make tiny pillows from her hair. Why my parents were not concerned about me, I have no idea.

Have a Bonfire Party

Only go with this option if you truly hated your tree or you really love rich Viking burial traditions. A sad ending for the tree, but a fun party for you! Please be careful because you might start a neighborhood fire and I don’t want to be liable.

Paint It

Bob Ross did it best. If you don’t know how to paint trees, watch a video by the legend himself. A tangible piece of art will be with you for a couple of years, but the experience of painting a tree will live with you for a lifetime.

The fact that I personified a tree for an entire article concerns me. I think I need to go on a walk and really think about what I’m doing with my life.

Forget About Xmas & Dream Of That Sweet White Pow:

Ski and snowboard shopping

Shine On & Remember Steve

Jayme Hoberg

I fell out of a womb back in the 90's, and haven't looked back since. While feeding the neighborhood raccoons lasagna every Tuesday, I write deep poems about them. I sell these poems to PETA each week for a large profit. That is how I make my living.

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