Michael Buble Christmas

How To Destroy Your Michael Bublé Albums This Christmas

Holidays

The time of year has come once again when the pumpkins have all been patched, the tryptophan wave has been ridden, and we’re now at the part when the whole world ignorantly accepts that taking the letter “B” out of “bubble” somehow turns it into a French name. That’s right it’s Michael Bublé season.

Why everyone loves Michael Bublé so much is completely beyond me. If vocal jazz traditional pop swing music wasn’t a dead genre then Migos would sound more like Frank Sinatra than the garbage Soundcloud mumble rap that they are. But for some reason, when the third Friday of November hits, the planets align, and like an apparition, the Bubs is instantly there, hot n’ ready like a Little Caesar’s Pizza.

This year we’re putting our collective foot down and ending Michael’s reign of terror over the holiday season. Here are 6 ways to get rid of your Michael Bublé Album.

Throw it in the trash

Sure this might seem like a cop out for our first item on the list, but for those of you that are just realizing that you have a Michael Bub-Bub album and need to get rid of it right now, then I recommend choosing this option.

Michael Buble Album In Trash

While this may seem like a daunting, difficult task, I’ll walk you through the steps and we can do this together!

Step 1. With Bublé album in hand find your nearest trash can (the contents will soon be objectively trash)

Step 2. Deposit Bublé album in trash

Step 3. Feel good about yourself for making the world a better place

Put it in “Storage”

Everyone’s got a little bit of hoarder in them, and if you’ve got your own storage unit then get yourself a prescription for the itis, cuz you’re a full blown hoarder. From one hoarder to another let me tell you that you never should have gotten that Michael Bublé album to start with. It was a waste of money and your precious time, but you already know he’s a milquetoast holiday demon. All you can do now is put that toxic waste of an album into storage and then remember that you’ll never see it again.

Michael Buble Album in Storage

Step 1. Go to wherever you put your “storage”

Step 2. Experience an immense amount of guilt for all of the trash in there that you’ll never get rid of

Step 3. Throw the Mikey B album in there like a live grenade and hope you never see it again

Burn it

If you’re like me and want to ensure that no one can ever possibly salvage the ship wreck that is the Michael Bublé Christmas Album, then you may want to take this route. Additionally, the warmth provided by the heat of the burning album will be the first time that Mike did something beneficial for society.

Michael Buble Album

Step 1. Find a lighter (and gasoline if you’re feeling especially debonair)

Step 2. Ignite the Bubble

Step 3. Post to social media and get approval from your similarly minded friends

Lend it to your friend for a couple weeks

Y’all remember the 90’s. You know? The lawless wasteland all millennials feel inexplicable nostalgia for? Well, back in the “good ‘ol days” you used to have all sorts of albums lying around, and it seemed like the best way to destroy one was to give it over to one of your “friends” to listen to. Once it was returned, it would always, without fail, be ruined beyond repair. So…do that

Michael Buble Christmas Album Lend

Step 1. Lend Mikey Bub album to friend

Step 2. Pray for a Christmas miracle  

Eat it

I’m dead ass serious. Eat that son of a bitch. Michael Bublé albums are the Skinnygirl Cocktails of the music world. At under 100 calories per disc, you no longer have to be worried about those God awful, bland vocals going straight to your thighs.

Eating Michael Buble Christmas Christmas Album

Step 1. Eat album (salt and pepper to your liking)

Step 2. Take a Pepto Bismol Chew and high five Santa for saving Christmas

Remember Michael’s Flaws

If all else fails, remember that whoever Señor Bublé has surrounded himself with, told him that it would be a good idea to press his tasteless music onto CDs and Vinyl. What a fool. Hey Michael, where are people going to be playing your album? On an 8-track?

If I missed any better ways to destroy MB’s album like allowing your niece to practice karate with it, or asking your degenerate addict uncle to hang onto it for a while, please let me know. Otherwise, please begin the destruction of Mr. Bublé’s Christmas albums and his career…now

MAKE A SMARTER INVESTMENT THIS SEASON

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STAY WEIRD & BUBLÉ BLOWS


Austin Rosmarin

Having been raised by a feral pack of Staten Islanders, Austin grew up on a subsistence diet of Kosher hot dogs, car exhaust, and self-loathing. His decision making skills have been described as “worse than most”, and doctors have diagnosed him as “malignantly average”. In addition to writing for this blog, Austin has done countless other things to disappoint his parents. Without the approval of strangers for his less than witty musings, his e-meter OT and PC ratings will drop and he will have to return to the Church of Scientology to correct the imbalance. Don’t let his OT and PC ratings drop.

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