How to Avoid Demolishing Your Reputation at the Company Party

Holidays, Parties

Company holiday parties are like first dates; just when you thought the last one couldn’t have gone worse, it does. Since most holiday parties end in a state of self loathing and apprehension, I’ve taken it upon myself to understand the issue at heart–alcohol. Since no one is going to abstain from throwin’ back way too many glasses of Pinot Noir, I’ve [once again] provided top tier advice for all the professionals out there.

Being hammered at the party is inevitable, but if you go about the situation in the right way you can salvage your reputation.

How to avoid demolishing your reputation at the holiday party:

The Issue: You were a drunk A-hole

Once in awhile we turn feisty when we’re toasted. Any festering resentment towards a boss or coworker will probably come out in the form of a slurred, incoherent slew of words.

How to Avoid:

Find a friend or therapist to vent to before the party. Get everything you’ve ever thought out of your brain in hopes it doesn’t come out of your mouth when you’re inebriated.

It happened. How do I fix it?

If you said it to a girl, buy her a Starbucks gift card and flowers. If you said it to a guy, text him the following “Hey man, I apologize for what happened last night. I was a total asshole and I have no idea why I said those things. I owe you lunch this week for sure lol” ~I don’t know. I’m not an expert, but that’s what I would do.~

The Issue: You Hooked Up with a Coworker/Boss

How to Avoid:

If you have even the tiniest crush on one of your co-workers, you have no option but to bring a date or a friend to keep you in line.

It happened. How do I fix it?

If you brought an actual date and then hooked up with a coworker in front of them…woof I can’t help you. If you didn’t take my initial advice, just pretend it never happened and go about your workday as usual. Fingers crossed they don’t say anything to you. ~I don’t know. I’m not an expert, but that’s what I would do.~

The Issue: Accidental or Purposeful Nudity

Think about the last time you saw a swimsuit malfunction at the beach. You were both muted and mesmerized; it was like you had never seen a nipple before. Women have this problem more than men, but somehow things tend to accidentally pop out at the wrong time.

How to Avoid:

Don’t get on any elevated surfaces and if you’re a lady don’t wear a flowy dress. Make sure everything under the hood is sealed down for the night. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve worn athletic shorts under my dress because I don’t trust myself.

It happened. How do I fix it?

Pretend it didn’t happen because everyone who saw will never forget what it looked like, and you need to keep your peace of mind. ~I don’t know. I’m not an expert, but that’s what I would do.~

The Issue: Anything To Do with Bodily Fluids

Whether it’s peeing in a fern, falling and bleeding everywhere, or unexpected vomiting, it’s never a good look.

How to Avoid:

Wear comfortable shoes so you don’t fall, and write on your hand “public urination is illegal” so you remember. If you have to vomit, vomit like you did in college. It was always a super quick–a “one and done” if you will (this is assuming you make it to the bathroom).

It happened. How do I fix it?

There’s not a lot to do at this point, but depending on the situation you can blame food poisoning (for vomiting) or your weak ankles (for falling). If you accidentally barfed in the middle of a crowd,  think of it as a right of passage. ~I don’t know. I’m not an expert, but that’s what I would do.~

The Issue: Passing Out

How to Avoid:

Limit the amount of alcoholic beverages you drink, you degenerate.

It happened. How do I fix it?

Of course you’re going to ignore my advice and do this. If you pass out at a company party, find a cardboard box, go into work early, and pack up yo’ shit. ~I don’t know. I’m not an expert, but that’s what I would do.~

Just remember: if you still have a job come January 1st, you’re in the clear. I’ve committed three out of these five mistakes at a company party and I still had a job afterward (keep in mind this was at my college job where there were no standards).  

This is the only way we can help:

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Shine On & Be A Professional, Dammit

Jayme Hoberg

I fell out of a womb back in the 90's, and haven't looked back since. While feeding the neighborhood raccoons lasagna every Tuesday, I write deep poems about them. I sell these poems to PETA each week for a large profit. That is how I make my living.

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