How to Dodge the Inevitable NYE Kiss


The clock strikes 12 and all of a sudden you’re mouth-to-mouth with a 5/10. Their tongue is invading you in ways you never imagined. Their sweaty forehead just touched your cheek and you don’t know what life is anymore. You look into the abyss and wonder, “is this all there is?”

New Years Eve is always an ordeal. You’re either face deep in a pint of ice cream or face deep in another face. 2019 is the year to reset your standards and stop letting creatures invade your mouth. Life is all about having a plan, and since I’ve done my fair share of running away from men, I’ve decided to share my strategies.

6 Ways to Dodge the Inevitable New Years Eve Kiss

Pretend You Have to Barf

Keel over and start doing some heavy breathing. Since they think you’re about to spew all over their shoes, they’ll back away and they sure as heck won’t try to shove their tongue down your throat. If they still try to kiss you, say “I’m not into the whole ‘baby bird feeding’ thing” and run away.

*If you don’t know how baby birds are fed, then google it.

Suckle on a Beer Bottle

Even if you don’t like beer, suckle a beer bottle like your life depends on it. If the creepy rando continues to talk to you, don’t use words, use nods. Keep your mouth plastered to that thing–they’ll eventually get sick of your grunts and nods.

Now that I think about this method, it might give off opposite vibes.

Stuff Doritos in Your Mouth

I did this last year and it was a great success. I didn’t have any suitors in line, but I did enjoy a burst of nacho cheese flavoring [which tastes better than dirty human saliva]. 

Keep Blowing on Noise Makers

Anywhere you go on NYE, they’ll have the 20 cent noise makers everyone loves to blow on. Keep that sucker in your mouth and don’t let anything near your mouth hole. This method is used best on people with annoying voices and/or those who don’t stop telling you useless stories.

Tell a White Lie

This method only works 70% of the time because sometimes you get a human that lives their life thinking A.) everyone is lying to them [in which case you might have to listen to a quick sob story], or B) they frequently say, “just because there’s a goalie doesn’t mean you can’t score.” If this is the case, continue onto the next method.

Run Away

Just walk around in circles and pretend you don’t see the clingy human following you. Basically just run away. We’ve all run away from our problems in our lives, might as well keep the pattern going.

If none of the six methods worked for you, then you might have a promising lawsuit on your hands [just kidding, not really, I don’t know]. I truly hope you have a safe, saliva-less New Years celebration. If you want a New Years celebration full of saliva–ROCK AND ROLL!

Shine On & Love Yo’self

Jayme Hoberg

I fell out of a womb back in the 90's, and haven't looked back since. While feeding the neighborhood raccoons lasagna every Tuesday, I write deep poems about them. I sell these poems to PETA each week for a large profit. That is how I make my living.

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