How to Make a White Elephant Party Suck Less

Entertainment, Holidays, Parties

Everyone feels the same about gift exchanges except for 20% of the population. It’s that 20% of the population who force everyone else to attend their White Elephant party each year. If you don’t want to participate in the gift exchange, you’re a scrooge. It’s not fair; everyone is sucked into this catastrophic event each year, and it’s time we start taking care of our own well being.

How To Make a White Elephant Party Suck Less

Toss back the Pinot.

There’s a reason there is always copious amounts of wine at Baby Showers. Alcohol makes any boring party withstandable. Make sure you don’t skimp on your wine pours because if you drink too slowly you’ll get sleepy and the White Elephant will be even more boring than it already is. 

Think of it as an opportunity to get rid of trash around the house.

A White Elephant party is an opportunity to rid yourself of all the dumb snow globes you’ve received in the past. Throw all your globes in a box and present the gift as a “meaningful collection of globes.” There will be at least one middle-aged woman who will want to get her paws on your collection [her name is probably Robin and she’s my mother].

Repeat the following mantra:

“At least it’s not a Secret Santa”

The second you’re about to hit an all time low during the White Elephant, remind yourself things could be worse. At least it’s not a Secret Santa. A Secret Santa doesn’t allow you to choose your present–you are forced into keeping the snow globes you have been gifted. Not to mention you have to fake smile and lie about how much you like your Secret Santa gift. Woof.

Do It at a Chili’s.

Anytime Chili’s (one of the top chain restaurants in America) is the venue for any gathering, it’s always a good time. Think cold, tall drinks, baby back ribs, and sizzling fajitas. Also, hosting a White Elephant at any restaurant will make it difficult for people to participate and hear what’s going on. While Kathy is trying to steal the oven mitts you just unwrapped, you can pretend you’re balls deep in a meaningful conversation.

The proper response to Kathy trying to get your attention:

“~whoops~ sorry, I can’t hear you. Just a second, Kath! :0)”

Invite Michael Scott.

If you can get Steve Carell to attend your party, you might actually enjoy White Elephant parties.  If you have no idea what I’m talking about, I am disappointed. I welcome you to watch Season 2, Episode 10 of The Office. Basically it starts with a Secret Santa and ends with copious amounts of Vodka.  

If you find none of the above working for you, just fake the flu and don’t go. A night spent on the couch watching National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation is better spent than a night at a gift exchange party.

Shine On & Always Hope For The Best

Jayme Hoberg

I fell out of a womb back in the 90's, and haven't looked back since. While feeding the neighborhood raccoons lasagna every Tuesday, I write deep poems about them. I sell these poems to PETA each week for a large profit. That is how I make my living.


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