The second December 1st rolls around, your spouse is asking you about the Christmas lights and the kids are wondering why their house is the only barren one on the block. Putting Christmas lights up every year is one of the worst things about the holiday season–especially when you just took them down in June. It’s a friggin’ chore and if you don’t partake in the tradition, everyone thinks you’re a scrooge.
Ways to Put up Christmas Lights Without Overly Exerting Yourself
Be An Artist/Minimalist
If you pretend you’re artsy, you can put in minimal effort and onlookers will still respect you. Choose a centerpiece for your work–a front door works. Throw some lights around the door and if someone calls you out, say the following: “I’m sorry my artistic eye offends you. This season I want to spend less time decorating my house and more time donating my time to various charities. What have you been doing with your extra time, Jerry?” Game. Over.
Use Blow Up Yard Animals & Props
By putting a bunch of blow-up dolls in your front yard, your neighbors will still think you’re festive. The only issue with yard props is they give the opportunity for kids to mess around with your house. When was the last time you saw light up reindeer not mounting eachother in the middle of a yard?
Make Your Kid Do It
While this is not only a classic move, this is something I plan to do once I pop a tiny human out of me. 2018 is the year for little Billy to learn how to put some damn christmas lights up. All you have to do is hold the ladder and catch any falling bodies that may come your way. If the wife gives you grief, come back with “sorry I believe in our children, Sharon!”
Hire the Annoying Neighborhood Kid
There’s always that annoying neighborhood kid named Glenn who wants to mow your lawn. Call up Glenn and tell him you have a project for him; he’ll be over in five minutes. Don’t tell him you want him to put up Christmas lights–his mother will probably not let him and you’ll get in trouble for asking. Once he’s over, hit him with the assignment. Make the assumption Glenn is competent and go take an afternoon nap.
Take the Year Off
In the month of December, there are three Sundays leading up to Christmas this year. Make sure to be busy on every Saturday in December. Tell your spouse you’re planning on putting lights up on the Sunday of each week. Once Sunday rolls around, tell your family it’s the “Day of Sabbath” and you cannot work. If your family doesn’t buy it, just pretend to have the flu.
If I’m being honest, the artistic [minimal] approach is your best bet. This method will not end with injured children or humping light up reindeer. If for some reason it does, you did something wrong. I know because I’m a professional.
Feliz Navidad B*tches
Shine On & Don’t Hurt Yourself