Family dinner season means smelly sweater season…
Holiday dinners are supposed to be for getting absolutely smashed with your immediate relatives after a 3-month sibling hiatus. But Christmas sweaters have turned what should be a blacked out, boozing good time into uncle Robert doing the Carlton in his frumpy Christmas sweater (see below, a rather impressive Carlton)
Step one foot into family dinner and you’re berated by red and green grandma garb just begging to burn in a chimney. The room smells of mothballs and yarn, everyone is 1 glass “wine drunk” and you’re alone in the corner plotting when you’ll meet with your friends for a “Last minute grocery run” before dinner.
This is the typical holiday dinner, and so lives the stereotypical holiday sweater. For decades, centuries even, the Holidays have been dominated by the Christmas sweater-clad family members asking you about, and judging you on, your life choices. Panic at The Disco hasn’t been your favorite band for 8 years, but Aunt Bev still thinks you make it to every stop of the Zumiez Couch Tour. Dinner couldn’t end sooner, another shot down the hatch (RIP Panic At The Disco).
The time comes to open presents, and your mom’s friend whom you’ve met like 3 times has a present for you? This is going to be good. Beneath a white box and tissue paper lies a J Crew knit sweater, you say the most heartless thank you of all time, toss it in your closet and never see it again. Who even wears brown sweaters other than Walter White and Mr. Rodgers (Who’s a cool dude, don’t get me wrong)? Another sweater dead, another shot down the gullet.
We were tired of sneaking shooters behind the Christmas tree, bowls in the backyard and sharing bs conversation with in-laws you see once a year. So when our designers put the marketing team in charge of coming up with this year’s sweaters, we decided to make something, how would you say, unconventional.
After taking back a few craft brews (and a vodkee sodee or 3 for Dave), we got to brainstorming. Put a group of immature 20-somethings in the back closet of a brewery and you’ve got yourself a living, breathing hell pit of ideas so offensive, we can’t legally discuss them on this blog. The room felt a little something like this…
After a much-needed filtration of ideas that would “Most definitely get us a lawsuit” and “certainly offend at least 75% of the US”, we successfully, as the kids say, shooketh the Christmas sweater market.
Introducing, Christmas Sweaters for Horrible People:
We designed these babies to be unconventional. They’re not made for gift exchanges or Bunko night, they’re definitely not suitable for Sunday service and they won’t fit dress code at the Christmas ball.
These naughty sweaters will get you fired at work. They’re not for the easily offended, ready to give the middle finger to Gam Gam and they might just land ya a suiter.
1. Saint Nicholas Caged
For: The Amatures.
But we weren’t going to stop at a classic pun. Look at his eyes. His fuggin’ miserable and that’s how we wanted it. After all, you’d feel pretty shitty if you were literally just trying to steal the declaration of independence on Christmas and the feds decided to lock you up. A sad day for Mr. Cage, a happy day for everyone who catches a glimpse of your Christmas sweater. Feel free to bust into any party like this…
2. Santa is Fake News
For: The Progressive Parents
If we don’t break the internet with this controversial Christmas sweater, we haven’t done our job. Ultimately it comes down to the people. You either think it’s funny or not. We’re just a non-binary, genderless, bi-partisan internet company trying to make a quick buck and potentially go absolutely viral. If the little ones ask what “Santa is Fake News” is, just tell them Santa isn’t real and their entire life is a lie. That will shut them up quick. Aunt Bev will get pissed and tell you to leave, but that gives you a perfect excuse to slip a last-minute doobie sesh in before dinner.
3. The Tony Mountaina
For: The F**ked Up Family
Say hello to my little friend, the Tony Mountaina Christmas sweater. Perfect for families who roast each other constantly, practice “self-defense” on their siblings and slug back shots together like Ernest Hemingway. If you’re dreaming of a white Christmas unlike that of the blizzard circa ’07, look no further.
Like any good economist, Tony knows America was built on laundered money and he’s ready to continue that legacy with the only Christmas sweater to give a middle finger to the in-laws and a good laugh to uncle Steven when you guys “Go to the bathroom” before playing family Scategories.
4. The Human Santapede
Christmas is all about bringing people closer together, and Santas are no exception. That is exactly what we did with this bad boy, we brought Santas so close together they’re practically one single unit. It’s almost… A Human Santapede, and it goes hand-in-hand with launching fireworks at your little brother, driving slightly slower than the speed limit or peeing in your friends gas tank (amongst many other cruel, cruel activities).
Even the most f**ked up families will hate you for wearing the Human Santapede sweater. It is exactly what you think it is, a heap of Jolly old Saint Nicks, ass to mouth. The pun speaks for itself, and so does the sweater.
Pop into any holiday party with this Santalacio sweater and everyone will hate you. Friends will become enemies, families will be torn apart and you will never be happier because you can spend the rest of the Family dinner doing exactly what you want to do. Boozing.