Everyone’s Dumb After the Holidays: How to Re-teach Yourself How to do Your Job


You sit down at your desk; your ankles are bloated, your joints are aching, and you soon realize you have the brain capacity of a four year old. It’s your first day back at work and you suddenly have the reading level of a fourth grader. Any four-legged animal would be better at your job than you.

How to Re-teach Yourself How to do Your Job After the Holidays

Look for Clues

Search around your desk for leftover Post-Its and/or lists you wrote to yourself before the holidays. It’s like you’re playing the board game Clue, except instead of investigating a murder, you’re trying to feel somewhat competent again.


Pretend You Had a Concussion

It’s as simple as that. No one can see the inside of your brain, so no one will know your brain cells aren’t actually dysfunctional. People will feel sorry for you and will explain things to you like you’re a child (which is probably what you need at this point in life).

Steal Flashcards From Children

Stealing is fine as long as it’s for a good cause. Children these days are growing up in a time where calculators are on their iPhones and anything on a quiz can be Googled in two seconds. They don’t need flashcards anymore, they just need to know how to type. 

*I actually don’t believe anything I just wrote, I’m just saying all those things so I can validate stealing flashcards from a child. #NewYearNewMe

Write the Alphabet on a Piece of Paper

This strategy was used by your elementary school teacher when you’d bomb your spelling test and had to re-write words twenty times so that you’d learn from your mistakes. It worked, so why not use the same strategy to learn the ABCs again.

Practice Responding to Emails

You’ll want to practice responding to emails because the holidays make you forget how to be fake nice to dumb people. A good rule of thumb: anytime you want to say “You’re a stupid ___head” just write “Per my last email” instead.

Open up your personal email account and respond to all the promotion emails you’ve received in the past day. The content you write isn’t as important as re-learning how to format an email.

(i.e.) “Good morning Grubhub,

Thank you for reaching out. I’ve looked over your current New Years promotion and have decided against getting Chinese delivery for the third day in a row. I never want to put another wonton in my mouth again. I hope you had a blessed New Year!


Tell Everyone Your 2019 Resolutions

If you’re busy telling people what your resolutions are, they won’t notice you forgot how to do your job. Drink green juices, eat green things, and put your new gym membership on your key chain. Talk it up. Everyone will be so proud of you they won’t care you just lost two major clients due to your incompetence.

If you think I’ve been subtly comparing everyone to dogs, you’re right. As of right now, you have the same brain functionality as a dog (which isn’t totally terrible because my Border Collie was intelligent AF).

Or Do This Instead Of Work:
Ski and snowboard shopping

Jayme Hoberg

I fell out of a womb back in the 90's, and haven't looked back since. While feeding the neighborhood raccoons lasagna every Tuesday, I write deep poems about them. I sell these poems to PETA each week for a large profit. That is how I make my living.


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