Best Places To Make A September Baby

Holidays, Humor

The holiday season is in full swing and while it might be cold outside, things are heating up in doors. Fires are a burnin, spiked nog is a brewin’, and all those layers you put on to brave the bite of the December air are coming off. What we’re saying is, it’s baby making season, and we’re giving you the list of the best places to make a sweet sweet September baby.

Kitchen:

There’s no faster way to your lover’s heart than through their stomach. They say all the senses are involved when it comes to eating food and the same applies to baby making.

Pros: You’ve got water and nourishment as soon as you’re done. That’s just efficient.

Cons: Everything in that room is sharp and your naked bod is soft and fleshy. Be warned.

Bathroom:

The “quickie’s” origins seemed unknown for a millennia, until one brave explorer discovered that the founding place of this time-honored tradition is none other than the water closet.

Pros: Quick cleanup…no more need for the awkward waddle to the bathroom post-eruption as you’ve already chosen a destination bedding.

Cons: This is basically impossible to hide. The moment two people go into one bathroom/bathroom stall together, the secret’s up. But, that never stopped you before, and it shouldn’t now.

Bedroom:

Sure this might seem like an obvious choice, but for those of you who have never been to our Christmas party, it’s not always people’s first thought in the heat of the moment.

Pros: Out of everywhere on this list, your bedroom is easily going to be the mostly comfortable place to make your own little sex trophy.

Cons: That being said, you may start to question, “am I a boring and vanilla lover? Did I become the thing I always feared I would become in my youth???” Only you can answer those questions.

Living Room:

There’s nothing like cozying up in front of a roaring fire, slipping into something a little more comfortable, and just absolutely going to town on someone you love. There’s really nothing quite like young love.

Pros: The best part about having your own house is that you never have to wear clothes and can do whatever you want wherever you you want. In short, you are the master of your own domain.

Cons: Being that you are likely a millennial just like me, your chance of ever owning your own house is slim to none, and you will probably have very few opportunities to take advantage of this location

Sauna:

If you’re a Nordic or have ever been to a Nordic country, then you know the value of a good sauna soak. It gets hot and heavy in there before any physical contact ever happens. But be wary, one man’s oasis of moisture can be another man’s industrial dehydrator.

Pros: It’s easy to get lost in the steam. Limbs are flying, everything is slicked up, and the Swedish guy to your right is totally pretending like he doesn’t know what’s happening over there.

Cons: It’s scientifically proven that the steam in the sauna is not produced by hot stones and water, but rather all of the moisture in your body being sucked out into a hot mist that is nearly impossible to enjoy as your life flashes before your eyes and everything goes dark.

Hot Tub:

Taking the sauna up to the next level, the hot tub is the pièce de résistance when it comes to romantic baby making. However, there is one huge flaw in that you cannot get pregnant in a hot tub.

Pros: You can’t get pregnant in a hot tub.

Cons: You can totally get pregnant in a hot tub.

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Austin Rosmarin

Having been raised by a feral pack of Staten Islanders, Austin grew up on a subsistence diet of Kosher hot dogs, car exhaust, and self-loathing. His decision making skills have been described as “worse than most”, and doctors have diagnosed him as “malignantly average”. In addition to writing for this blog, Austin has done countless other things to disappoint his parents. Without the approval of strangers for his less than witty musings, his e-meter OT and PC ratings will drop and he will have to return to the Church of Scientology to correct the imbalance. Don’t let his OT and PC ratings drop.

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