The Beginner’s Guide to Taco Bell


Whether it’s 2:00PM on a Tuesday, 3:00AM on a Saturday night, or 11:00AM on a Sunday, Americans have continuously proven their demand for Taco Bell through all walks of life.

Imagine putting a warm Chalupa in your mouth. The softness of the shell surprises your teeth as you bite down. Suddenly, well-seasoned beef slides under your tongue and artificially processed nacho cheese fills your cheeks with wonder. Hot sauce slides down your chin while the fresh lettuce and tomato provides a cooling sensation. You swallow and finish with a sip of a cold Mountain Dew: Baja Blast.

If you’ve never experienced this, I feel bad for you. It’s time to make a change. 

The Beginner’s Guide to Taco Bell

1.) Know the Type of Visit You will be making

If you’ve never been to Taco Bell, then you are unaware of the three types of visits customers typically make.

The “I just really want a fuggin’ Chalupa in my mouth” Visit

This visit typically falls ~2:00PM on a weekday. This is best for beginners, as most people are sober at this time and have the ability to think clearly.

The “I drank enough to kill a small horse last night” Visit

This type of visit typically falls ~11:00AM on a Sunday.

The “I won’t remember this in the morning, but there will be a $42 charge from Taco Bell on my Bank Statement” Visit

This type of visit typically falls  ~3:00 AM on a Friday/Saturday night.

2.) Prepare Yo’self

Before visiting Taco Bell, make sure you have the necessities at home. Necessities include Tums, toilet paper, and a fully-charged phone or magazine.

3.) Start Slow

The last time you had to change your dog’s food, you slowly added it into their diet–allowing his/her body to adjust. With your first visit to Taco Bell, you ARE the dog. If you start throwing everything down your gullet at once, you’re gonna have a bad time. The goal here is to slowly prepare your body for future visits.

For the first visit, I’d suggest going with a combo. Combos are already thought out and will give you the bit of variety you want, with the regulation you need. A Cheesy Gordita Crunch Combo (#10) is a good place to start.

4.) Sauce Yo’self

The hot sauce here is important. A good sauce can bring your crunchy taco from a 3 to a 6 with just one squirt. There are currently four types of sauces: Mild, Hot, Fire, and Diablo. I usually stick with  Hot because it has spice, but not enough to ruin any of my orifices. I’ve never had the Diablo, but I’m pretty sure it’s an orifices ruiner.

5.) Know the rules

The unspoken rule of Taco Bell: Whenever ordering a beverage, you must get a Mountain Dew Baja Blast. It’s mandatory. That’s it. That’s the only rule.

6.) Going for a Second Visit

Congrats, you made it through your first visit at Taco Bell. You’re a Veteran, which means you don’t have to select a combo off the menu–you can create your own meal (their Dollar Menu is spectacular). Before you start barking off orders, keep in mind ordering at Taco Bell is an art. To get your mind in the correct state,  listen to “Your Body Is a Wonderland” on the drive there.  

In case you were wondering, my typical order consists of the following:

  • 1 Beefy Supreme Chalupa
  • 1 Crunchy Taco
  • 1 Beefy 5 Layer Burrito 
  • Baja Blast
  • Side of Hot sauce

If I’m really feeling myself (a 3AM visit) I’ll add on a Crunchwrap supreme or Chicken Quesadilla. Or both. 

Also, the $12 12-Pack is a great deal. If you bring a 12-pack to a lame gathering (baby shower, gender reveal party, etc.) you’ll be the life of the party!

Shine On & Chug Tacos

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Jayme Hoberg

I fell out of a womb back in the 90's, and haven't looked back since. While feeding the neighborhood raccoons lasagna every Tuesday, I write deep poems about them. I sell these poems to PETA each week for a large profit. That is how I make my living.

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