Your 2018 Football Team Sucks: 50 Things to do on a Sunday

Sports

Fifty percent of your team is injured, coaches have been fired, tears have been shed, TVs have been broken, and Skip Bayless is still everyone’s least favorite person. Your team didn’t make playoffs, and Sundays aren’t as exciting as they used to be. It’s that time of year again where you have to find other things to do on Sundays rather than sit on your couch for 10 hours eating Chinese food.

50 things to do on a Sunday:

  1. Partake in the Corn & Metamucil challenge (essentially you only consume corn and Metamucil for three days until you defecate an entire ear of corn), day 3 should land on Sunday.
  2. Make pottery and sell it at a premium price on the side of the street
  3. Skate around town in Heelies
  4. Eat onion rings
  5. Eat Tide Pods
  6. Go to the hospital
  7. Play the best childhood game: Bloody Knuckles
  8. Sing “Wonderwall” at a local nursing home
  9. Write Yelp reviews
  10. Partake in a food eating competition (the kind where you get a free XXXL shirt and a polaroid photo on the wall)
  11. Write letters to a pen pal in Russia and then lie about it
  12. Shave your entire body so you feel like a dolphin
  13. Rearrange furniture for five hours non-stop
  14. Sit outside of Whole Foods with a sign that says “I want a rotisserie chicken” and see what happens
  15. Wear a sweat suit to a yoga class
  16. Pet a herd of buffalos
  17. Dye your hair with Kool-aid
  18. Bake laxative muffins and give them to your friends
  19. Have a lemonade stand and make more money than the neighborhood children
  20. Drink bleach
  21. French braid your dogs fur
  22. Become blood brothers/sisters with someone
  23. Go to Build-A-Bear
  24. Eat an entire Taco 12 Pack from Taco Bell
  25. Make your own celery juice
  26. Smoke an entire turkey and then try to eat the whole thing by yourself
  27. Call Comcast’s customer service line 
  28. Open a 401k (you probably can’t do this on a Sunday though)
  29. Purchase an RV
  30. Purchase a child
  31. Re-do the backsplash in your kitchen
  32. Watch Taylor Swift’s Reputation Tour on Netflix without gauging your eyes out
  33. Get a colonic
  34. Pass gas in a public steam room
  35. Light incense and wave them around Walmart
  36. Start your own garden
  37. Start selling your own basil on Ebay
  38. Massage yourself with Vaseline
  39. Purchase a hot tub
  40. Go on a hike and pretend you’re Sandra Bullock from Birdbox. Blindfold yourself and carry around two children.
  41. Go to a Psychic and disagree with everything they tell you
  42. Eat random plants you find in the mountains and find out which ones are poisonous
  43. Go to Olive Garden and ruin your intestines
  44. Play Monopoly for 7 minutes
  45. Read the dictionary
  46. Eat glitter and see if it comes back out of you
  47. Clean out the hair in your shower drain
  48. Introduce yourself to your neighbors, because you know you haven’t
  49. Take polaroids of your butt and send them to random addresses around your city
  50. Sit on your couch for 10 hours and eat Chinese food [like you have been since football season started]

Not only do I hope this list brings life back to your Sundays, but I hope it helps you to forget how bad your football team was this year. Keep in mind if you don’t want to do anything on Sundays, that’s totally fine– I will always encourage you to live your best life.

For those of you who partake in the Metamucil challenge: please send photos of your results to dylan@shinesty.com

But If Your Team’s Still In This:

NFL Apparel

Shine On & Be True to Yourself


Jayme Hoberg

I fell out of a womb back in the 90's, and haven't looked back since. While feeding the neighborhood raccoons lasagna every Tuesday, I write deep poems about them. I sell these poems to PETA each week for a large profit. That is how I make my living.

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